Movie Review – “mother!’

So do you not want to know too much about a movie before you see it?  Well that usually is me, but I would recommend that before you see this movie, you should do a little research.  I am not someone who comes out of movies totally clueless, but I came out of this movie with some questions and when I read the synopsis that should only be read by people who have seen the movie, I found that I had missed the point of the movie altogether!  I went back and talked about it with some friends and we were all saying, “What?……..Totally did not see that but it makes sense.”

I guess the problem is that this movie was sort of billed as a horror movie and ended up being more of an artsy, religious, sci-fi thriller.  So if you want some advice.  Study the small clues about the movies in all the trailers.  Take a look at the movie poster (copied it here).  Look for the one capitalized letter in all the signage in the movie promotion. If you don’t come away noting one or two things about the movie, then you are gonna miss the point.

I came out of the movie originally disappointed.  I thought the movie was a little slow at first and that I was not scared, but more confused.  I did not like the way it ended and that was because I missed the point.  I also had questions about certain things in the movie and didn’t understand them and that was because I missed the point and symbolism too.  Symbolism……yes, that is the key.  Look for lots of things in the movie representing symbols of things we know of.  Who are Ed Harris and Michelle Pfeiffer supposed to represent?  Who are Javier Bardim and Jennifer Lawrence supposed to be?  Who are Ed and Michelle’s characters supposed to be?  Kristen Wiig? What the heck is she doing in this non-comedy?  If you can answer those questions, then you will solve half of the mysteries of the movie, but don’t blink or you might miss the clues.

After you have seen the movie, read the synopsis written by the Telegraph UK.  Then you and I will be on the same page.

I give this movie a 2 out of 5 erections, but I am not the kind of person who should watch this movie.  It just isn’t the type of movie I like.  We were debating between this and Stephen King’s “It”!  I think I chose wrong.

 

Sexy Movie Review: Atomic Blonde

This past weekend we went to see Atomic Blonde.  It is promoted as a sexy action thriller starring the beautiful Charlize Theron as a stylized female version of James Bond.  Quite frankly many of you will just call her a Bad Ass.  Watch as she takes on 5-6 guys at a time.  Probably not the way you would want to see her take on 5-6 guys at one time.   Nevertheless she leaves the flat out sprawled all over the place.  The one thing that I was pleasantly surprised by was the great ’80s music soundtrack featuring David Bowie, Blondie, Eurythmics, Duran Duran, Queen, Depeche Mode, Nina and others.  I really enjoyed this feministic movie featuring a strong woman.  Quite frankly the new Wonder Woman movie was not my cup of tea

Sexy Moments: Forget that.  You want to know how much of Charlize’s sexiness you get to see.  Well she does get naked, but all you see her do is get stylized naked shots of her sitting with her back to you or making love to another woman.  (no breasts or crotch shots if that is what you are hoping for)

Overall I give the movie 4 out of 5 erections.  Try and see it in the theaters because the soundtrack is so good!

By the Way, if you like blondes, make sure to check out the latest video of my girlfriend, Milan, fucking a client.  Click Here

Movie Review: Baby Driver

Yes, we finally went to see Baby Driver.  I love movies where I come away singing the music from a movie.  I think the movie might be leaving theaters soon, but if you are like me, you’ll want to see this movie on the big screen.  The car chases are worth it.  The movie has a great cast, lots of action, and great music.

I know you guys like beautiful women and this movie has two very beautiful female stars and of course there is Kevin Spacey and Jamie Foxx.

Other than the ending, there is nothing I’d change in this flick and I will even watch again.

So if this is still showing in the theaters, get out there today before a new movie comes along

I give it 4 out of 5 sticky erections!  GO SEE It==IT

Movie Review: Annabelle Creation

So do you like scary movies?  Have you seen the Conjuring movies and the first Annabelle movie?  Then this movie is great for you.  Now, you don’t need to see those movies to understand how this movie fits in.  They actually do a good job of splicing this together in the end.  That said, I do suggest you see all of these movies in the order in which they were made.  Can you believe there really is an Annabelle doll?  For real?  Yes, this is a true story.  The doll though does not really look like the one in the movie.

So the movie picks up from before any of the other movies and explains how the doll came to be.  Of course the movie has those scenes that make us cringe.  Opening doors that nobody should open or choosing to be alone even when scared.  Oh my gosh you just want to curl up in a ball and run!  I think I screamed out loud 4 times while watching this movie.  The director does a great job getting you to the edge of your seat and  building the tension in your body.

This movie will make you jump!  I give it a 3 out of 5 erections.  Freaked me out for sure!

 

Movie Review: Hitman’s Bodyguard

What I love about living in Hollywood is that we get to see a lot of screenings and premieres before they hit the national audience.  I am always getting free tickets from friends in the industry.

Last week we went to see “Hitman’s Bodyguard” starring Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson.  I knew it was a buddy movie going in a la Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker; Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy; Mel Gibson and Danny Glover.  I just wasn’t sure how this movie would go.  There is a fine line between action movies and comedies.  Too funny and the story line loses seriousness around the plot.  Too much action and then you lose the lightness of the characters.

Surprisingly Jackson and Reynolds do a great job with their Odd Couple rendition of buddies and Selma Hayek has a really great role in the show too.  I really am not good on the technicalities of action scenes, but my bf, loved the chase scene in Amsterdam which was pretty amazing and scenic.

The movie is not going to win any Academy Awards, but I highly recommend seeing this movie on the big screen.  It was extremely entertaining.  By the way, if anyone knows the house at the beginning of the movie, I’d love to live in a house like that with cameras focused on me so that you could watch me all day!

I give the movie 5 stiff erections (out of 5)!

 

Movie Review – Alien: Covenant

I saw Alien: Covenant on opening weekend in heavy anticipation of seeing how it would connect Prometheus to the original Alien movie.  I was also told it would make things more transparent and it would be really scary.  Scary I am not sure about but definitely suspenseful with non-stop action.   In typical Ridley Scott fashion it was dark with lots of fighting.

What I really like about the film is that they didn’t get too crazy with new technology.  I always hate when you see recent movies that are supposed to precede a famous movie that was from 20 years ago and now the technology looks so much better (Star Wars).  So the new Androids are upgraded, but still aren’t necessarily better, the guns aren’t better, etc.

What the movie does do well is close the chapter on Prometheus.  What it doesn’t do yet is tie into the original Alien movie.  It doesn’t really explain the Corporation and how it continues it’s plan.  It doesn’t explain how the Aliens continue to expand.   It does explain how they evolve into their current state.

I definitely recommend it for any Alien fan.  You have to watch them all out.  It definitely does a great job of making more sense out of the Prometheus movie.  There are lots of great Easter eggs in this movies.  Go check it out unless you have no interest in this series.

I give the movie a 3 erection out of 5 rating.

Before you watch this movie, here are a few things you should do first:

  1. Rewatch Prometheus if it has been awhile
  2. Rewatch this video about how David was created: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJ7E7Qp-s-8
  3. Watch this Short on the creation of Walter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4Cmf4BuNgg
  4. Watch this short called the Last Supper: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkXgRlRao5I
  5. Watch this short called The Crossing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeMVrnYNwus

SPOILERS (Read at own risk)

There are weird things for me.

  • It appears Daniels figure out it is not Walter way before when stitching and other things happen after the fight?
  • Why does David help kill the creature?
  • Why did all those people turn into statues and not just become Aliens?  Remember in the first movie how the guy becomes infected and just disintegrates into the water?
  • So where do we go from here?  Do we go to the new colony and find out if David incubates Tennessee and Daniels or some of the new colonists?

Movie Review: Guardians of the Galaxy 2

So I went out on opening weekend to see Guardians of the Galaxy 2.  I was skeptical of this concept initially and did not see the first one until it hit On-Demand, but I eagerly anticipated it.  Disney and Marvel have put a lot into this movie including Free Comic Book Day yesterday, creating a whole new ride at Disneyland, and adding many cameos into the movie.

Don’t listen to just me, but everyone else I heard leaving the theater also said this one was almost funnier and better than the first which says a lot.  I was laughing so hard!  I also loved the music almost as much as the first movie.  If you love 70s and 80s Pop/Rock you will be checking Google to remind you who sang certain songs.  Quick, who sang the song “Brandy”?

Overall there is a lot packed into the 2 hr 15 min. movie and you’ll leave with your friends re-counting the different scenes and reminding each other about the different small scenes the movie uses to stitch things together.  Of course, as in all Marvel films, Stan Lee has a quick cameo.  It is pretty quick, so don’t miss it.

My favorite scene?  The one with Groot dancing.

Make sure to see this movie if you loved the first one.  Also don’t forget to stay for all the credits so you see the little extras and outtakes from the movie.

Movie Review: Life

Went to see the movie, “Life” and it did not disappoint from a special effects and thriller standpoint, but I will get to the point.  Thrillers for me are better when the actions are plausible and smart.  I find in the movie that many of the circumstances and situations in the movie did not seem like the right or most plausible actions, all the way up to the very end scene.

You know those movies where people are running from a very slow Frankenstein but always keep tripping and falling until he catches them because they can’t manage to stay on their feet despite his inability to run because of his bad limp?  Or how about when they hide in place for too long letting him catch up when they should be running and putting more distance between them.  Well this movie is a lot like that.  In fact, it isn’t until the final scenes that they decide to do what I would have done 2 hours earlier in the movie and by then they are in even deeper doo-doo.

The possible outcomes are pretty predictable throughout the movie so the outcome did not surprise me and was the least suspenseful part of the movie.   I give it a 3 erections out of 5 although it was entertaining

Movie Review : Moana

So I had to babysit my boyfriend’s kid the other night and we watched Moana.  Yes it was a Disney film and I don’t normally watch these kinds of movies anymore, but they are so cute and always filled with the right messages of fulfilling your destiny, overcoming your fears, girl power, etc.

I do think that secretly why I do not watch these movies is that I don’t want to catch myself getting into it and not being able to get the catchy song out of my head (remember “Let it go” from Frozen).  Well there is a song just like that in Moana.

I have to say it is fun.  I love the Pirate Coconuts.  I laughed pretty hard with that and the stupid chicken.  I have to admit graphics have gotten a lot better these days.  I’d give this 3.5 erections out of 5.  If you want good innocent fun, have a peek at this one.

Movie Review: Logan

Are you looking for an action-packed superhero movie?  Well this past weekend I watched Logan which I believe is the third installment of the Wolverine series.  If you don’t follow Superheroes, Wolverine is part of the X-Men superhero group.  Quite frankly it is hard to follow and I would not have known half the characters except I had a little brother who was into this stuff.

The problem is that there have been like a dozen of these Xmen movies, not to be confused with the popular Avengers movies (Ironman, Captain America, Thor, etc.) and it is hard to keep up.

While this movie sets you up well without the need for lots of knowledge about how, what or why, I did find myself trying to rack my brain and wonder where I left off in a previous movie.  It is also a long movie of over 2 hours and 40 minutes, so make sure you don’t drink too much during the movie or at least go to the bathroom before!  There is lots of violence with the severing of multiple body parts.

I won’t throw you any secrets or spoilers out there, but I do recommend this movie for action packed movie fans I give it 3 out of 5 erections.  As always with these films, watch for the teasers during the credits.